it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
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The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I have a black belt in leather
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I like donuts.
Twitter:
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.