Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white