friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
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Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?