Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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“A little help here, Danny?”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.