Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
dude it’s called proctologist