Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You Might Also Like
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Coffee is ready.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.