me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
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*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.