Good Morning.
You Might Also Like
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.