Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
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drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
“No way.” -Jose
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.