Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
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*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I wish this was real life…
“and how does that make you feel?”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots