hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
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Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.