*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
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*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Not today
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.