I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.