Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
That de-escalated quickly
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???