HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
British websites use biscuits.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.