Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*