The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
You Might Also Like
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.