me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.