garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
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Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult