It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
so i’m at the stock market right
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.