I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
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Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Yes my dude
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.