The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
For those that worship cheese..
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
peeping toms
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man