carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
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What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
best first i’ve ever seen
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.