Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
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