My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
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The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Said the murderer.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat