KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
You Might Also Like
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
finally
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
There is wisdom there.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale