this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
wish me luck lads
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Bruh PLEASE
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police