Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
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During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
mom had nothing to worry about
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient