My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.