When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
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This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Every work meeting this week
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.