For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
my mind
You just read my mind
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
mentally somewhere in italy
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.