Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”