Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
You Might Also Like
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.