My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
True?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?