*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
There are no pants in heaven.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.