HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
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me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Schrödinger’s cookie
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*