Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.