I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My dad is at it again
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk