If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
fourth time’s the charm
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.