This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
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Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.