imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
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At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Please do it!
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Ha
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.