Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
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I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
There’s never enough good news
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Interior design 👌