Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
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waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.