Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
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if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.