I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
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instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Oops
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them