A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away