“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that