The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
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I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny