Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
The symmetry is uncanny.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.