My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
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my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
my dog when i have a friend over
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.